Happy birthday, fictional character known as Jesus in some countries of the world!
As some of you might have noticed, Christmas time is here again, and to cellebrate this enchanted season, I have selected some classic screen gems for you to enjoy with all your family and friends while drinking buckets of eggnog and whiskey and eating several different kinds of meat with complete disregard for animal’s feelings and for global warming as a whole.
So here is the list… If you disagree with my selection, well, write your own selection at our own damn blog and leave me alone. My favourite Christmas carol is “A Christmas Carol” because I love Scrooge so much. What a role model.
Merry Christmas to all of you and your families, and may Satan touch your hearts and warm your souls.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Who needs Homer Simpson when you can have Clark Griswold?
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is by far the most realistic depiction of actual Christmas ever captured on film. It’s all there: the senseless money spending, the hypocritical family relations painfully and slowly falling apart, the fake Christmas spirit disguising the true bullshit capitalist motives of the characters. It even features some actually cute moments. A must see.
Mele kalikimaka! Yum yum!
A Charlie Brown Christmas
It's Christmas time again... Good grief...
A Charlie Brown Christmas is a milestone in the history of television and animation as a whole. This deceptively simple story, animated with minimalistic technique, is not only heart-warming and cute, but actually delivers a modern Christmas message, exposing some of the hypocrisies that surround this holiday’s tradition. Vince Guaraldi’s soundtrack is superb and is a must at my household when Christmas time is coming.
The Junky’s Christmas
Heroin makes a great Christmas gift.
The Junky’s Christmas is based on a short story written by William S. Burroughs. It is an animated short film, made with puppets in stop motion and featuring Burroughs himself reading the text. The story is brutally real, and truly heart-warming, showing the long-forgotten spirit of Christmas going through two junkies sharing a needle at a hotel. The contrasting balance between the shocking lifestyles of heroine addicts and the hopeful feelings of Christmas season is brilliant and will never leave your mind.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol
When you work for a man who wears a top hat with the color of shit, that's all you gonna get from him. Miles and miles of shit.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol brings me some distant memories. I remember watching this in the movie theatre with my dad when I was about 4 or 5 years old. It was the opening act before “Peter Pan” and I never forgot about the movie. Everything here smells like classic Disney stuff. The character design is perfect, the animation is masterful, the backgrounds… everything works like a clock, but it’s not as boring as watching an actual clock. It is my favourite adaptation of the classic story by Charles Dickens, which has been adapted countless times, like in Richard Donen’s “Scrooged” and Richard Williams’ animated adaptation.
It’s a Wonderful Life
This image has not been photoshopped for humoristic purposes. I refuse to make a joke with it. Comedy is a challenge and I hate easy jokes. "Look, Santa, I don't need no toys, all I want is my candy cane to grow this big, do you know what I mean? Wakka wakka!"
It’s a Wonderful Life is a great classic, not only of Christmas movies but of cinema in general. Even the most jaded and bitter movie watchers (myself included) manage to extract some awe from this little pearl of a film, directed by the always competent Frank Capra. Suited for watching any time of the year.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
Chuck Jones is King.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is a classic animated film by Chuck Jones, based on a book by the equally classic Dr. Seuss. A modern Christmas fable. And being a Chuck Jones movie I don’t even have to say the animation is great, the voice acting, the music, the pacing, and… oh, I just said it.
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Don't eat the yellow snow, Jack!
The Nightmare Before Christmas is probably Tim Burton’s best film so far, and a tour-de-force into his pseudo-dark fantasy world. The story is pretty interesting: Jack Skellington is the king of Halloween, but when he escapes his world looking for new thrills, he finds Christmas land, and tries to turn Halloween into some twisted Christmas of his own. The character and set design itself are enough reason to make you watch the movie, but the rest is very nice too, even the endless singing and dancing.
Joyeux Noël
Merry Noël and a Joyeux Neu! Year für vous.
Joyeux Noël is a movie about one of the best Christmas stories of all time, because it was real. It’s a 2005 movie about the time during World War I when enemies on both sides of the trenches decided to stop killing each other and just have some fun together. (I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I’m adding it here in behalf of that true story, and also to remind me to watch the movie someday.)
Miracle on 34th Street
So what if I'm insane as long as I make people spend oney at your capitalist venture?
Miracle on 34th Street is such bug classic that it has been remade about 3 times. I am talking about the original 1947 version, that tells a modern Christmas tale involving cold corporate bitches, bored little girls who are being swallowed by a bullshit society, and a crazy old man who firmly believes he is Santa Claus. A nice watch if you’re really into the holiday’s spirit, or if you enjoy courtroom movies.
Rankin/Bass TV Specials
"Oh my God, it's so BIG and RED!" ... "That's what SHE said!!"
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer & The Little Drummer Boy are two Christmas specials created by the Rankin/Bass studios, the same who produced “Mad Monster Party?” in 1967. The animation is crude, the puppets are cute, and the storyline is simple and effective. They don’t look like much now, but if you saw those as a kid, you never forgot them.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Sorry, ho, but if you invaded a planet this year, all I can get you is a lump of coal!... Merry Christmas!! Ho ho ho!!!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is an old acquaintance of all trash movie fans. It is listed at #77 at the Bottom 100 Movies at IMDB and is available freely from websites that feature movies with lost copyrights. The title pretty much explains it all, and if you wish to see it, good luck. Just click here and download it. After you see it you will see that no one, ever, could ever devise a Christmas movie as stupid as this one, specially by mixing it up with sci-fi.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Words fail me.
Maybe I spoke too soon.
While many philosophers dedicated their entire careers to proving that life has no meaning and God doesn’t exist, this simple movie does all that and much more. A masterpiece in all of its dimensions.
Die Hard & friends
I always wanted a machine gun for Christmas too.
Die Hard is not exatcly a Christmas movie, it’s just set during Christmas time, but it’s awesome enough to make this list. Other movies that also share this category with it are The Godfather and Lethal Weapon.
